Journal Update: Tomorrow is the busiest day of the week…

July 20, 2011

So the title of this update is an old Spanish proverb about procrastination. I am a life long procrastinator and need to recover. I am sorry I have been gone for a week with no real explanation. The basic explanation is that I was on a complete shame and failure spiral and did not want to keep writing about it. What is the point of sharing day after day of failure with all of my readers? I wish I had the answer to that, but I will still share regardless.

I have been depressed. Chicken or the egg eating depressed… What does that mean? Did you see the fat bastard am I sad because I eat or eat because I am sad speech? Yeah that sums it up pretty well.

What is different today and why am I writing? Hope is pretty much the only answer I have. I am over 300 pounds again and am ashamed of that fact. I am currently not only losing a weight loss competition I am gaining as much weight as other people are losing. I went to a therapy session and my therapist had a good suggestion I really liked. Stop asking why am I eating, and start focusing on the what do I want questions. It makes complete sense to me that when I start binging I start analyzing why am I doing this and coming up with excuses. If I can train myself to ask what am I doing (eating at McDonalds) and then asking what do I want to do (eat healthy tasty food at home and lose some damn weight) maybe I can break out of my binge cycle. It really makes sense to my little warped mind.

Now to implement it…




Ok, confession, where I am at now and plans for the future… Focus on the what, lose weight, love my family, learn how to develop iOS applications. Done.

Anyway, now that this post is out of the way hopefully I can get back on the posting daily and having some positive movement. I hope that some of you come away with something positive from watching me struggle. I am still trying to get something positive out of it.


Entry filed under: weightloss. Tags: .

Journal Update: Survived the weekend! Journal Update: Already started it off again

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8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sherri U  |  July 20, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    What are you doing for exercise? Consider posting even those small successes. Even a walk around the block is an accomplishment. Share those with us.


  • 2. Kent Moeller  |  July 20, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    Hey Dwayne. I too am struggling and I like reading about your struggles as I feel I’m not alone. I am surrounded by friends and family but sometimes I feel I’m the only one with these problems and no one to talk to. I get faith from your faith buddy. Hang in there and together we shall overcome…..

  • 3. Leslie  |  July 20, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    Hi Dwayne… totally understand… I haven’t posted in MONTHS because I don’t like to admit/write my perceived failures…. not healthy. not good….

    I wanted to share this book with you…. it REALLY impacted me and changed how I feel about my binging. His strategies for overcoming the binge eating are amazing…. and even better – they’re working for me! I got it from the library but liked it so much ended up buying it. I recommend it highly… as do almost all of the amazon readers…

    I think it’s great and brave of you to still post when you’re feeling the way you’re feeling – it takes guts.. and remember, you’re still inspiring people (like me) because you ARE owning it and not trying to hide/deny it.


  • 4. Louis  |  July 21, 2011 at 6:42 am


    I think personally the real issue is not why or what, it’s time to just do. Every time you feel like binging do something, take your kids to the park, or write lines of code.

    Every time you don’t feel like working out, just go even if you screw around for 40 minutes go to the gym. If you can’t find yourself making your way to the gym call someone call your wife, call me.

    You have to stop reinforcing this negative cycle you have been, and the negative behavior is detrimental not only to you but your family.

    Just do. Act. You are paralyzed through over analysis. Motion creates emotion, action creates reaction, movement creates heat, the ball isn’t going to start rolling without a push the ball doesn’t care how you push it, why you push it, or what you push it with, just start pushing.

    If Shakespeare’s play Hamlet had Fortinbras as the main character it would have lasted five pages because he would have gone right after his uncle and slit his throat. At some point everything else is meaningless other than the action, the reason you achieved so much success at the Ridge was you weren’t given time to think about what was happening, it was literally wake up, hike, come back work out, lunch, work out, work out, work out, dinner, go to sleep and start all over the next day.

    The guy I met has a great deal of drive and courage, the only person standing in the way of success today is your old self, beat his ass with your new self and win. There are no points for style; the only thing that matters is succeeding.


  • 6. Louis  |  July 21, 2011 at 6:45 am

    BTW Shame is something that is a self actuated emotion; no one can make you feel shame. You can choose to not feel the shame and move forward, the longer you stay in a “shammed” state the longer stay off the path to success.

  • 8. Jenn of  |  July 23, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Hang in there Dwayne. While I cannot related to the amount of weight you want to lose, I struggled with my own 50 and felt the shame and frustration just the same. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I love Louis’ feedback. Take his advice for sure. I was so impressed when I met you at FitBloggin. You CAN DO THIS!


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