Journal Update: Memorial day weekend

May 30, 2011

The good:

Thank goodness this weekend is over.  I ate well today (the actual Monday of Memorial Day) however I am not able to say the same for the rest of the weekend.  I did do a workout today too.  That is not going to excuse…

The bad:

I had a couple of very severe binges this weekend, and did not workout like I normally do.

I have been trying to work on the why of my binging for what seems like forever.  I used to think it was boredom and mild depression when I was single.  I went and did some counseling after I moved to Richmond and got married, and determined that it very would could be my hyper anxiety I never knew I had.  Well I have to say I think the anxiety and boredom when my wife is at work in the evening contribute to it in a major way, but I have to come up with some new coping strategies.

My wife is making an appointment for me to go see another counselor soon so I can start working on this more.  It is really difficult for me to explain what a real binge is to someone.  Even when I start saying it I feel like a bunch of BS is coming out of my mouth (or in this case my fingers.)  It feels like my mind goes on auto pilot after my craving has been triggered.  I can actually sit back and watch myself go crazy on a ton of food and the entire time I feel like smacking myself.  I feel like I am a strong willed person, so when this happens to me it is hard to reconcile.  I mean I would like to think that with all the work I have put in at this point I could easily just do some self talk and say, hey dumbass put down that McDouble!  Instead what comes out is deal with it tomorrow, workout harder, you have already screwed up now, just finish it, or even f$%k it at this point.

On thing I will say at this point is thank god my “f#$k it” attitude has not been a string of consecutive days, because that usually heralds the end of weightloss and begins the upward shot back to where I was.  That is not going to happen this time, I have really worked my ass off and made a ton of progress.  I feel close to my goals, but seem to be hitting this same speed bump repeatedly.  This food and calories are not worth what they put me through and logically I know that.  I will get through this, but it is going to take extra work and more “mind” work then I thought.  I really thought I was going to just be able to push through physically and then deal with the rest later.  It keeps coming back.

I bought a book while I was at the Biggest Loser Resort on binge eating, and eating intuitively and I think my time this week would be best served reading, absorbing and maybe even reviewing it.  I have asked for advice on twitter and seen several suggestions.

I am going to LA on Thursday with my wife to go to our friend’s movie premiere and am going to be able to get in some hikes in Malibu.  That is always a good thing, and I will be able to show her around the resort a little and maybe even get in a good workout post hike.  I will keep you all updated as I go through counseling since I know there are just never enough resources on binge eating out there.

Do any of my readers ever get like this, sometimes I feel like I am mildly crazy for having these binges.  Since I have begin blogging and trying to be more accountable for them my overall level of shame about it has risen.  I also need to get a handle on that.  Anyway, onward and upward.  Today was better, and tomorrow I have a training session and will eat properly again!

Entry filed under: weightloss. Tags: , , , , .

Winner of the two Biggest Loser Resort cookbooks is… Journal Update: Training and on plan!

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  • 1. Sherri U  |  June 2, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Dwayne, glad I found your blog. I left Malibu the week before you arrived and had the pleasure of working out with Lou, James, Kent and Sharon (among other motivated superstars).

    Binging is tough…My second week back from Malibu I ate an entire box of Thin Mints. My rationale…eat it all at one time and it won’t be there to tempt you anymore! ARGHHHH! I finally did a kitchen purge and got rid of all the temptations. I have found it interesting that my cravings have shifted from sweets to salty since coming home. I could easily make my way through a package of cookies in the past and now it is not even that tempting. But put a bag of potato chips in front of me now and before you know it, I have eaten the entire thing.

    Have you noticed a shift in your taste buds?

    I look forward to following your blog. I get so much inspiration from Lou and I find it helps keep me on track when I see others doing the same. There will always be slips, but we just have to get up from the ice and keep skating.


    • 2. Dwayne Phillips  |  June 6, 2011 at 4:43 pm

      I have been craving more sweets then I used to, but still do fast food while binging. Very frustrating but things are getting better. Thanks for dropping by and keeping up!


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